11:11 No More

  
Written by: CieloAmethyst 
(Ang sabaw na blog post.
Time check: 1:46 a.m.) 


You were my 11:11 before. You were all I ever wished for. But time flies as everything changes including you. 
Our happy yesterdays turned out into gloomy and empty days now. 
You are now gone. You are now living outside my life, living happily with someone else. 

Fuck shit.


I thought you were already "The One", but maybe I was wrong. 
I thought you were the one I prayed for, but maybe it was just a false hope after all. 

From the past, every time my clock ticks to 11:11 and I've got to catch it, I always make a wish. And it was none other than you. 
I close my eyes as I simply whisper, "Please let him be the one." That's what I always wished for. 
But then now, you are my 11:11 no more...

I then stopped for hoping, for wishing and even for searching. 
And just started to trust Him that everything will just fall into its proper place. That someone best will just come along. 

I knew that I fell hard but I also know that I could stand up again. 
This time being wiser is a necessity and will never do the same mistake all over again.

As 11:11 reached my clock and I was able to catch it, I just stared at it until it changed to 11:12. 
Nothing is permanent, nothing lasts forever. 
I stopped wishing as I stopped myself from loving a shit like you. 

Still, true love waits and that's not me and you.



(Ang sabaw di ba? Mema lang talaga.) 

False Love~

“False Love”
Just a thought by: CieloAmethyst
June 8, 2016

I have just finished watching the film, “How To be Single”. And it
made me realized some things. So here it goes…
I have been single for more than a year now. One year and three months
to be exact. And for that more than a year that has passed by, I have
done so many things, meet new people, gone to several places, do some
things I really wanted to do from the beginning, challenges that I
have passed through and a lot more!
Just like Alice in the movie, I felt what she felt, I thought what she thought.
When you have been into a long term relationship, you will actually
depend on that guy or on your partner with many things.
Yes it’s true. Na para bang sa kanya nalang talaga iikot ang mundo mo.
That you can’t live without him. May mga simpleng bagay o gawain na
mag-eexist, na bagamat kaya mo namang gawin iyon mag-isa, ay ipapagawa
mo pa sa kanya, o di kaya naman ay hindi mo kakayaning gawin o
puntahan kung wala ang tulong niya.
Kung si Alice, hindi niya kayang i-unzipped yung zipper ng damit niya
sa likod, ako naman, hindi ko kaya ang magluto, hindi ko kaya ang
pumunta sa isang hindi kilalang lugar na hindi siya kasama. Hindi ko
rin kaya ang basta-basta na lang magdesisyon para sa sarili ko.
I would always ask for help for that guy. And all my thoughts, my
dreams, my hopes, he will always be included there. He would be this
kind of guy that I would want to spend the rest of my life with.
Marriage, having family, having a good future with him, all these
thoughts are always filling my mind.
It would always be “Ours” and no “Mine” alone.
Wala na sa isip ko kung ano nga ba talaga ang gusto ko para sa sarili
ko, kung ano nga ba ang pangarap ko para sa sarili ko. What are the
things that I should do for myself in order to be successful? What are
the Specific things that I must do so that I can grow up better?
Wala eh.
I never thought for these.
Basta ang alam ko lang, kailangan, may stable job ako, makaipon ng
pera para sa pangkasal, pagkakaroon ng sariling tahanan, and
eventually, building my own family. And that’s it! I’m complete.
So I literally build my world around him. Everything was just all
about him, about us, about our future together.

I have this so called bucket list. But I never had the guts to fulfill
any of it. Kasi nga nasa kanya ang mundo ko. And my bucket list just
concludes all the things that I want to do on my own. Pero wala akong
lakas ng loob para gawin ang lahat ng iyon.
I tried but I failed because I was discouraged.
So back to zero and my bucket list remained a dream forever.
Dito ko patotohanan ang sabi-sabing Walang forever. You’ll find out later.

It was freakin’ seven years. Yes, seven years of relationship with him.
In that seven long years, there were times that I have been wondering
how it feels to be single again.
But then being single scares me a lot. Naiisip ko na baka hindi ko
kakayanin. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want that man I love the
most to leave me alone. Kasi para ko na ring pinatay ang sarili ko, at
pinatigil sa pag-ikot ang mundo ko.
I can die instantly when that thing happens.

And it happened.

He broke up with me because he didn’t love me anymore. He already
loves somebody else and he was so much willing to throw all the good
and bad times that we’ve been together for seven fucking years. Hindi
na raw siya masaya. Shit ‘di ba? He’s a total shit.
Ako naman ‘to si tanga, nagmakaawa nang bonggang-bongga.
I tried to hold on tight even though my hands were already too much
bleeding. I just don’t care. All I want was just us to be still
together. Na willing akong magpakatanga pa nang magpakatanga. Na dapat
kami pa rin kahit hindi na niya ako mahal. Na kami pa rin dapat kahit
may iba na siya. Na gagawin ko ang lahat para lang bumalik ang
pagmamahal niya sa akin.
Tinatapon ko na ang sarili ko that time just to be with him forever.
Kasi nga hindi ko kaya, hindi ko kakayanin. Even suicide came into my
mind.

Totoo pala ‘yon ano? That you can literally feel that your heart is
breaking. You can actually feel that it was very hard to breath and
you can’t stop yourself from screaming and crying. Yes it was all
true.
I’m a living proof to testify it.
My worst problem during that time was that I can only do the weeping
in a silent way. I can’t scream literally. Iyak lang ako nang iyak
nang walang tunog. I don’t want anybody to hear me. At mas masakit
pala ‘yon kasi hindi mo talaga mailabas yung nilalaman ng loob mo.
All my hopes and dreams with him were burned and turned into ashes.  I
came to finally realized that those were just false love and broken
promises.
But then a big thanks to that heartbreaking moment of my life because
I started to build myself. I was finally able to step out of my so
called comfort box. I finally had the urge, the guts, the courage to
do the things I really wanted to do before.
The first on the list is to do volunteer works.
I wanted to help less fortunate people in my own little ways.
Pinangarap ko pa nga noon na maging red cross volunteer. Hindi lang
kinaya ng time because of my work.
So I started volunteering one fine Saturday. I went all by myself
bringing just the courage in my heart to meet new people, to go to a
place which I haven’t been to, and to fulfill what I wanted to do for
that day.
Happiness. Blessed.
This was what I felt when the sun went down that fine Saturday.
Yes it was an amazing thing and all I can to myself was, “Good job,
Cielo. Good job. This is just the start.”
And that volunteering works followed, weekend by weekend to different
organizations.
I was happy helping children. Maybe being a teacher was my hidden
dream. I just really love teaching kids, sharing stories with them and
just being with them! I would always love to hear stories from them.
They were just so innocent that me myself would always wanted to go
back during those times when heartbreak was just the malfunctioning of
our toys.

Then the plot twist came.
Just like Alice in the movie again, we met a new guy, new guys perhaps.
I started to mingle with new people and special guys would stand up.

I thought that time that I already have moved on because I was
starting to get along well with this guy.
Yes, I then chose to entertain just one guy.

My ex then tried to win me back but I said no. Everything between us
was all over.
And I just focused on this new guy.

I thought I would be happier now because I am much wiser and bolder.
I was blinded by the idea of being in love again.

But thanks to my new set of friends that I was able to realize that
there’s still a lot of things to do before settling down again into a
new relationship.

I then became a wander lust.  Travelling has been running in my blood
since since. Hindi ko lang nabibigyang pansin due to several reasons.
I then travelled to different places, hiked several mountains with
friends and even strangers and felt that it was the life that I
wanted.
Being in the relationship was on the least now. So I set aside this
‘new guy’, telling him that I wasn’t ready yet. I kept myself busy
doing all the things I wanted to do and going to places where I want
to, meeting new people and all.
I totally forgot my so called  hashtag relationship goal with him. I
thought that he really loves me and he will just patiently wait for me
to be ready after I am done doing all the stuffs that I want and love.
And I was wrong again.
We then built a long gap.  He would always tell me that he’s busy. So was I!
I was so busy finding myself and realizing if he is really the one for
me. Of course I like him! I wouldn’t let him enter my life if it was
not. Those kilig moments with him, it all made me happy that I thought
that I really already love him but I just too damn scared to confess
and let him know my feelings.
Ang gulo ko, ano po? Yeah, magulo talaga ako. There were times, I
don’t understand myself too.

There’s this little thing inside me, telling me that he’s not the one
and I kept on ignoring that thought. This little shitty thing kept on
saying to me that I really don’t like nor love him, that I was just
enjoying his company and the thought that he likes me.
Na meron pa palang ibang tao na pwedeng magkagusto sa akin maliban sa
ex ko. Na siguro nga, takot talaga akong mag-isa that’s why I am not
letting go of his hands. Ewan ko. Sabi ko nga sa inyo, baliw talaga
ako.
But another twisted plot happened.
He never really liked me at all and it was a false love. So that
little shitty thing was right all along. Malakas talaga ang instinct
nating mga babae. I just foolishly chose to ignore it.
Palabas lang pala ang lahat ng iyon. At natapos ang palabas na iyon
when I found out that he is already going out with someone else.
I was butt hurt of course. All along, I thought we were fine. Yun
pala, akala ko lang iyon.

After grieving for a week, I got over him. I finally realized that I
don’t need a man to be totally happy.  I stopped seeing other man nor
searching for the one.
This is my life and alone I can be what I want. This is my own choice.
I can be miserable for all I want all simply just to be happy and
enjoy my life.
At least now, there’s a clear path where I wanted to go. And there’s
this list, what I really wanted to do, to go, to try, to challenge
myself.
Everything is a choice and I choose to be single for now.
The right one will just come along especially when I am whole again.

Thumbs up for this movie.


There’s no such thing as forever. Just like love, forever is just an
idea. And my idea about it is that, it doesn’t exist.
Bitter na kung bitter. But that’s what I strongly believe.
People nowadays are comparing forever to love. Kapag may jowa ka, may
forever. Kapag naman break na kayo, walang forever.
On the other hand, maybe there is really forever. And there is forever
in changes.
Maaaring ngayon, masaya ka pero darating din ang pagkakataon na
magiging malungkot ka.
Maaring ngayon nag-iisa ka, pero dahil walang forever, baka bukas
makalawa, may kasama ka na.

:)

~CieloAmethyst 

KANTA

 “KANTA”

Isinulat ni: CieloAmethyst

June 6, 2016

Kaninang umaga habang ako ay lulan ng jeepney,

Ipinasak ang earplugs sa magkabilaan kong tainga habang ang telepono ay nasa bulsa.

Makalipas ang tatlong kanta ay pumainlanlang ang isang pamilyar na awitin.

Awiting may tatak sa puso, awiting kabisado ko, awiting ginawa mo…

Tula iyon ng pag-ibig na isinulat ko at nilapatan mo naman ng tono gamit ang gitara mo.

Inialay mo para sa akin noon at sinabing iyon ang awitin natin.

Ayokong makadama ng lungkot, ngunit ayoko rin namang sa bulsa ay dumukot,

Para sana kunin ang telepono at patigilin sa pagtugtog o di kaya ay ilipat ng ibang musiko.

Iyong hindi sana makakapagpaalala sa’yo, sa nakaraan natin, sa pag-ibig natin, sa lumipas na  mga alaala kapiling ang isa’t isa.

Pero wala. Piniling maging tuod at hinayaan na tumagos ang awitin sa mga tainga, patungo sa utak padaloy sa puso.

”Ang kahulugan ng pag-ibig ay ikaw, ang buhay ko ay wala kung wala ka. Hindi pagsisisihan na ang pagmamahal ay sa’yo ibinigay, buong buhay sa’yo ay iaalay. ”

Ilan lamang ang mga ito sa nilalaman ng liriko. Kabisadong-kabisado pa rin ng puso ko. Ang tanga-tanga ko naman kasi, bakit ba hindi magawang burahin ang awiting ito. Kagaya ng ginawa mong pagbubura sa akin, sa atin, sa loob ng buhay mo.

Ang sabi ng kaibigan ko noon, kapag ang isang musikero raw ay ginawan ka ng kanta,

Ng libre at ipinangsurpresa pa upang matuwa ka, seryoso daw siya sa’yo, at ikaw na talaga.

Ang ninanais niyang makasama habambuhay, ang totoo niyang mahal na mahal at pag-aalayan ng mundo. Ang sarap sanang umasa. Hay.

Maaari ngang totoo naman iyon. Iyon nga lamang ay noon iyon, tapos na, lipas na, nakaraan na.

Ito ay noong hindi pa siya dumarating sa buhay mo, at noong hindi mo pa pinipili na tigilan ako.

Tigilan ang mga sandaling ako ay  kasama mo, kausap, kalambingan, kapuyatan habang ang telepono ay nasa pagitan nating dalawa.

Hindi tumitigil sa araw-araw at halos oras-oras na pangungumusta at pagpapaalala sa oras ng pagkain, pag-iingat sa byahe, sa pagpasok sa trabaho, at sa pagsasabi ng goodnight bago matulog.

Wala na ang mga iyon. Wala na ang dating ikaw, ang dating tayo, ang dating mayroon tayo.

 Ang isang kamay ay muli na namang dumukot sa bulsa. Hindi para kunin ang telepono na may musika kundi para kunin ang isang panyo. Panyo na ipamumunas sa kumikislap na namang mga mata, dahil sa pagbabalik ng mga pesteng alaala.

 Nang matapos ang nakakapagpadramang kanta ay kinuha na rin sa wakas ang telepono sa bulsa. Tinignan ito upang masipat kung ano na ang oras at kung mahuhuli na ba sa pagpasok sa trabaho.

Kung ibabalik nga ba ang oras, pipiliin ko bang isoli ito sa mga panahong magkasama pa tayo? Ewan ko, hindi ako sigurado.

Baka kasi bumalik lang din ang panahon noong pinili mong iwan ako.

Kaya siguro, hindi bale nalang. Babalik nga ang masayang mga pagkakataon, pero pagkatapos niyon ay ang masasakit na mga sandali naman. Kaya huwag nalang. Hindi bale nalang.

 Muli na sanang ibabalik ang telepono sa bulsa dahil baka matangay pa ng mga tumatakbong magnanakaw na nagkalat sa kalye. Ngunit muli na namang natigilan nang makita ang petsa ng araw ngayon, tinitigan pang mabuti ang screen ng telepono at baka naduling lang. Pero tama talaga.  

 Shet. Ika-anim ng Hunyo. Delubyo. Iisipin na lamang na nagkataon lang ang lahat. Mayroon akong mahigit dalawan daan na kanta sa telepono, nagkataon lang, oo nagkataon lang ito.

At dahil sa wala akong amnesia ay naalala kong kaarawan mo pala ngayon. Naalala ko pa ngang ginawan kita ng tula noong nakaraang taon. Tulang may larawan pa nating dalawa. Larawan kung saan tayo ay masaya. Ngunit kagaya ng lumipas na taon, lipas na rin ang pagsasamang iyon. Bahagi na lamang ito ng pareho nating kahapon. At kailanman ay hindi na maibabalik pa. Dahil kung magkakaroon man ng pagkakataon ay ayoko na. Ayoko na talaga.

Masyadong masakit ang kahapong iyon. Masakit na may kasama pang galit. Ngunit kailangan nang pakawalan ang poot, magpatawad upang tuluyan nang lumaya. Lumaya sa pag-ibig para sa’yo, at sa pangit na alaala.

Kaligayahan. Kaya ko itong makamtan. 

Hindi kita kailangan sa buhay ko para sumaya. At alam kong hindi mo rin ako kailangan para ikaw ay lumigaya. Kaya quits lang.

 Kagaya ng pagsasabi sa mga taong ipinanganak sa araw na ito, na ‘Maligayang bati’! Hangad ko rin ang kaligayahan para sa buhay mo… sa buhay mo na wala ako.

 Maligayang Kaarawan! 

Pagmamahal sa Malayo

PAGMAMAHAL SA MALAYO

Isinulat ni: CieloAmethyst 

June 2, 2016

Kumusta ka na? 

Isang simpleng tanong na hindi ko alam kung hanggang saan ang kayang maabot. Makarating kaya ito sa’yo? And t kung sakali man na maabot ng iyong pandinig ang tanong na ito ay sagutin mo kaya?

Sa mga panahong ito ay patuloy na pinalalaya ang pusong minsang naniwala at nagtiwala sa’yo. Pilit kinakalimutan ang mga masasayang ala-ala noong kapiling ka pa. Sa bawat sandali na nakakausap ka ay sumasaya, pero alam natin pareho na lipas na ang lahat ng iyon. 

Bakit nga ba kinukumusta ka ngayon? Bakit nga ba ako nagsusulat ng ganito  habang nasa isipan ka? At bakit nasa isipan pa rin kita?

Ayokong isipin at paniwalain ang sarili ko na mayroon pa rin akong nadarama para sa’yo dahil ayoko na ulit masaktan sa tuwing maaalala ko ang ginawa mo bago naghiwalay ang mga landas natin. Ipinangako ko na sa sarili na hinding-hindi ka na aabalahin pa at pilit nang sasanayin na wala ka na ngang talaga sa buhay ko. 

Ngunit bakit nga ba madalas ka pa ring sumagi sa isipan? Mapait, matamis, masaya, masakit. Ito ang mga halo-halong emosyon na aking nadarama kapag naaalala ka. Pakshet, ‘di ba?

Ayokong isipin at tanggapin sa sarili ko na mahal pa rin kita. Dahil kung totoo man iyon ay pinipili kong patuloy ka na lamang mahalin mula sa malayo. Pasasaan ba at mawawala rin ito. Kailangan ko lamang tyagain ang damdamin at mas maging abala pa sa mga bagay-bagay na makapagpapalimot sa akin sa’yo. 

Hintay-hintay lang at darating din ang tamang panahon na pinakanananais ko.

Mawawala ka rin sa aking balintataw. 

Hindi na kita mamahalin pa. 

Hindi na kita maiisip. 

Hindi na kita aalalahanin. 

Hindi na kita kukumustahin. 

Dahil naniniwala ako na ang pag-ibig ng isang tao ay maglalaho rin at malilipat sa iba. Hindi tayo ang itinakda para sa isa’t isa. May tamang tao at hindi tayo ‘yon para sa ating tadhana.

Pero kumusta ka na nga ba? 

Sana ay masaya ka.