WARNING: MAGULO ANG OTOR.
I saw this picture on my fb's newsfeed and I was like... "So meeeeee."
Lalo na yung number one. haha.
1. Eye Contact.
I have this big insecurity on myself. So when people tend to look me straight in the eyes, I am so intimidated. Pakiramdam ko nilalait nila yung itsura ko sa isipan nila. Especially my eyes. I hate my eyes. Sobra. But what can I do? I have these since I was born. Akala ng mga tao lagi akong puyat o di kaya kulang sa dugo (anemic). These panda eyes of mine make me feel so ugly. Insecure nga kasi ako sa itsura ko. So kapag hindi kita matignan sa mga mata, don't think na ayaw kitang tignan dahil chaka ka. Mas chaka ang tingin ko sa sarili ko. But then when I started to look at you in the eyes, it only means that I am already comfortable with you. Na wala na akong pakealam sa itsura ko at wala na kong pakialam kung ano pa ang maging impression mo sa akin kasi nakapag-establish na tayo ng relationship. That whatever I look like or whatever I do, you will just accept me just the way I am. Kasi ganon din ako sa'yo.
I will tell to myself, "Importante sa akin itong taong 'to. I want to see the whole of her or him right straight into the eyes and I am accepting her or him in my life."
2. Expressing feelings.
Medyo magulo ako sa bagay na ito. Sometimes I can tell what I truly feel to the people around me but most of the time, I just hide it within myself. Kaya nga isinilang ang blog kong ito. So that I could have an outlet of what I feel and think towards anything.
3. Making decisions.
One of the biggest things I am having a hard time. Maybe one of the reasons for this is that I am so much scared to get out of my comfort zone. I have a fear for failures, for rejections, for pain. Sino ba naman ang gustong masaktan hindi ba? Maliban nalang kung masokista ka. Haha. Then most of the time, pabago bago rin ako ng isip. Ngayon gusto ko, pero bukas ayoko. Ngayon ayaw ko, pero bukas o makalawa gusto ko na. Ang labo ko noh? Abnormal eh. There were also times that I can't decide independently. Na minsan yung mga tao sa paligid ko, sila yung hinahayaan kong magdecide para sa akin. Na ironically kapag gumagana ang katopakan ni Cielo, she do the other way around. Kung ano yung inadvice sa kanya, kabaliktaran naman non ang gagawin niya. Medyo gaga? I know right.
Unpredictable? Yes sometimes.
4. Telling someone what I want.
Mas gusto ko kasi na gagawin ko nalang muna ang isang bagay bago ko ito sabihin sa iba. If I want something, I want to get it by myself. Unless libre. haha. Pero syempre depende naman sa senaryo.
Senaryo no.1- I want to have that thing like stuff toy. I will tell you that I want it pero hindi ibig sabihin non na bilhin mo siya para sa akin. Minsan namimisinterpret ako ng tao eh. Akala, nagpaparamdam ako ng libre. But deep inside of me, I want to have it through my own money. Para sa akin kasi, mas masarap i-cherish yung mga bagay na pinaghirapan mong makuha. Although gifts are still highly appreciated and I also do have a big possesion and high sentimental value for those.
Merry Christmas! Hehe.
Senaryo no.2- I wouldn't tell you to change yourself. Even though I want you to be like this or that, I will shut my mouth. Still it's your own choice. Siguro kasi, nasanay ako sa friendship na walang pakelamanan sa mga trip sa buhay and support all the way lang lagi ang peg. We can give advices if we were being asked for. Pero other than that, walang basagan ng trip! Tsaka siguro personally, takot lang din ako maka-offend.
Senaryo no.3- Sa isang lakaran. Sometimes I lead the way but sometimes, I am depending on the majority kung ano ang trip nila. Depende rin siguro kung sino sino ang mga kasama ko. Kaya minsan, kahit na may gusto akong puntahan, sabihin o gawin, again, I just shut my mouth.
5.Explaining why I act a certain way.
I am having a hard time on explaining and defending myself especially to those people who are dominant. May mga tao kasi na sarado ang isip. So bakit ka pa magsasayang ng laway, stress, effort, oras at boses? Also, kahit ako sa sarili ko, minsan nahihirapan akong intindihin kung bakit ko nagawa o ginagawa ang isang bagay. Sa ibang tao pa kaya ipapaintindi ko pa? Bigti.
6.Getting motivated to do something.
Yes. I am hard getting motivated. At short term lang ang motivation para sa akin. Ulyanin kasi ako. Madalas kong makalimutan kung ano ba ang purpose at importance ng ginagawa ko. Sad life it is.
7.Knowing what I want.
Parang making decisions lang din ito. I am always undecided. It is my last name yata. -____-
8.Paying attention to people. Depende sa trip. Minsan choosy ako. Pakikinggan ko lang ang mga bagay na gusto kong pakinggan.
Bad ko noh?
#badsicielo
#abnormal
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