Just A Rant...

Just A Rant…

“An Open Letter for the Man who broke me that I thought He never will”

April 11, 2016

Instead of telling this to my friends, I will just write all the things that I want to say to you. This is my channel so allow me to post it here on my wall.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula. Maybe I will just let my heart do the talking. Maraming ligoy, maraming satsat, whatever and I don’t know if I can go straight to the point. Sorry though for this long note.

Bye. 

This is the very first thing that I would want to say to you. Na sana ay narinig ko man lang din na nanggaling sa’yo. Pero wala eh. You step out of my life without even telling me a single word. Ang masaklap pa nito, I was looking for the days you promised me na babawi ka sa lahat ng pagkukulang mo. So I am hoping pala for the days that would never ever come. I hate you for that.  Isa kang malaking Paasa at ako naman si isang malaking Tanga na umasa.

Sana dinerecho mo nalang ako. Sinabi mo nalang sa akin na may iba ka na kasi maiintindihan naman kita and I won’t even stop you from leaving if that’s what you really want. But you left me hanging. Lahat ng sinabi mo noon, kinain mong lahat ngayon. Naumay ka ba? Kasi mostly sa mga iyon ay sobrang tatamis. 

You made me believe that you are different, not in an alienatic way, but in way way different from my ex. Pero hindi eh. Pareho lang po kayo. You made false promises. Oo umasa ako. Sobra pa nga eh. Asang-asa ako. Siopado Asado ako kasi masyadong kang Siopao Special Super Bola-bola. 

I gave you my very fragile trust and it was broken once again.

Akala ko, willing kang maghintay hanggang sa maging ready na ako pumasok ulit sa isang relasyon. I want you to be my last kaya nga hesitant pa ako kasi gusto kong patunayan mo that you are worthy of my Yes.

I do like you. But I am afraid that I may get hurt once again. You know my personal issues and I thought that you understand what I am going through. Kasi nga nagtiwala ako sa’yo. Na maghihintay ka.

I even remember your shit, ”What is forever if it is you whom I am waiting for?” But shit that shit. Wala talagang forever. People change and you are not an exemption. You said you’d never leave but you just did. At sa kasamaang palad, ang bastos mo lang kasi hindi ka marunong magpaalam. Hindi naman kita pipigilang umalis sa buhay ko. You are even free to do that. Pero paa-paalam din kapag may time.

Nagmukha kasi akong tanga, although ako lang ang nakakaalam, na akala ko kaya matagal kang hindi nagpaparamdam kasi busy ka sa studies.

But no one is really busy actually wherein fact it’s just a matter of priority. And I am not one of your priorities anymore.  Kaya pala ganun ang nangyari. Yung lumilipas ang isang araw, isang linggo, isang buwan na hindi ka nagpaparamdam. Yun pala, sa iba ka na nagpaparamdam. 

I just thought that I could trust you so I never bother to ask why and what’s happening. Kasi nga sa pagkakaalam ko, naghihintay ka at nagmamahal sa akin nang wagas.

Marami talaga ang nasasaktan sa maling akala.

I thought you were already the one. I even prayed for that. Na sabi ko kay God, dahil matiyaga kang naghihintay, baka nga ikaw na talaga ang bigay Niya para sa akin.

I thought you were just letting me live my life alone and at the end of the day, I would come back running to you.

Pero wala na pala akong tatakbuhan pabalik. Nakuha na ng iba ang home base ko. Kasi yung home base na iyon, nainip sa pagdating ko kaya naghanap siya ng ibang tatakbo sa kanya.

I’m sorry. 

I know that nowadays, I really sucked at expressing my true feelings. Hindi lang naman sa’yo, kahit naman sa iba pang tao sa paligid ko. They thought that I hate them but the true is, they are special and dear to me. Ayoko lang ipakita. Kasi natatakot ako na iiwan din nila ako at makita nila ang kahinaan ko once they leave.

So in this rant, I will do all my bestest best to say what I truly feel na hindi ko magawang sabihin verbally and in actions.  You know I will always be good in writing. Kasi ito ang outlet ko.

Since the day we started talking, I already know that I like you and as days passing by that we are getting to know each other more, I know that I am falling.

Oo takot ako mahulog. Pero ina-acknowledge ko naman yung nararamdaman ko para sa’yo. Iyon nga lang, hindi ko maipadama. I’m trying but most of the time, I really sucked at showing it off. Kasi nga natatakot ako.

Ayokong isipin mo na masasaktan ako kapag iniwan mo ako, ayokong isipin mo na kaya kong paikutin ang mundo ko para sa’yo, ayokong isipin mo na lahat ng adjustments kaya kong gawin para lang sa’yo. Sa totoo lang, mabilis ako magtiwala kahit pa nga aware ako sa idea na lahat ay pwede akong lokohin.

But what can I do? My stupid heart is just like that. Hard in the outside but deep inside, it was very soft and delicate.

I let you enter my life because I was looking forward to be with you with many more days and years to come. But I was wrong. Maaaring totoo naman yung mga sinasabi mo noon na mahal or gusto mo ako, iyon nga lang, people change, so do the feelings. 

Maybe you’ve learned to unlove me because I let you feel that there’s no hope between us. Sorry for making you feel that way. Sabi ko nga, I really sucked of expressing what I truly feel towards you.

Hindi ko masabi na naiinis ako sa tuwing hindi ka nagpaparamdam, na na-ba-bad trip ako kapag hindi natutuloy yung mga lakad natin, na namimiss kita at gusto kitang makasama pero wala akong magawa at hindi ko masabi sa’yo kung ano ang mga tunay kong nararamdaman.  Sorry for telling you na okay lang ako kapag hindi tayo nagkikita or nacacancel yung lakad natin. Pero ang totoo ay sobra akong naiinis kasi nag-aadjust naman ako para sa’yo pero wala pa rin.

Sorry din kasi hindi ko sinasabi na nagagalit ako kapag hindi ka nagpaparamdam at pilit na inuunawa ka kasi nga ang sabi mo, busy ka sa studies mo. Tss. Reasons. Marami tayo nyan. Pag ayaw, maraming dahilan. Pag gusto maraming paraan.

Gusto kong mag-beastmode pero anong karapatan ko? Hindi naman tayo. Walang tayo. Wala kang commitment sa akin. You can freely do whatever you want to do.

Maybe I was and still showing you na sobra akong busy, na marami akong lakad or gala, kasi ayokong isipin mo na kaya kong alisin lahat iyon, para sa’yo. Na willing akong i-cancel lahat para lang matuloy yung lakad natin. I wanted to show that I can live my life without you but deep inside I was really hoping that there’s us being together in every trip that I do.

I even imagined you being my future boyfriend. Yung dadalhin kita sa bahay, ipapakilala sa pamilya, then you will get along with my mom, gagawa tayo ng kanta sa sala namin, magko-computer, etc.

Tapos pupunta rin ako sa inyo, manonood ng movies, magsusulat, magbabasa, doing anything and even nothing, basta magkasama tayo and we would be happy. That even though we are not talking and busy with our stuff; we are near next to each other, feeling each others’ breathe and heart beat. 

Pero wala eh.  Hanggang imagination nalang pala talaga lahat ng iyon.

Thank you to my special investigation slash stalking skills that I have learned from my friends because I have just found out what is the main reason why this happened. Maybe there are more reasons but I don’t know because you haven’t told me what they are. I’m sorry for being insensitive.  

Willing naman sana akong makinig, na baka may pwedeng ayusin. Nag-aaway naman tayo dati when we don’t want things that were happening between us and then later on fixing it. What happened to us? Where did we gone wrong?  

Hindi ka maingat. I often visit your profile, both facebook and instagram account lalo na kapag namimiss kita. Sa tuwing makikita kitang online I was always hoping na icha-chat mo ako. Pero waley, ngangey. Umasa na naman ako sa wala. Maybe you don’t know but I am always checking if you are on line. 

Ang ipinagtataka ko lang sa fb mo, why do you have to hide everything from me? Tapos nakalimutan mo yata na dalawa ang account ko. So I can still see your posts on my other account. You even didn’t know that I can view your IG? Naka-public posts ka po, FYI. 

Hindi ka magaling magtago. Tsk! Pareho lang kayo ng ex ko.

Actually, it is one of my hunches kung bakit madalang ka nalang magparamdam, na may iba ka na nga. And again, I was right.  Yun naman usually ang dahilan ninyo eh. Pare-pareho lang kayo. Tss. Kaya hindi na ako nagulat when I saw some of your pictures. 

Pero aaminin ko pa rin that my heart was shaken. I felt a heartache, yes.

That feeling I experienced over a year ago, naramdaman ko ulit. Thanks to you.

Life is really so ironic. The one who taught you to trust again is the one who will destroy you together with your trust once again.

Ang gara talaga ng buhay. Yung tao na tumulong sa’yo para maging masaya ka ulit, para maging buo ka ulit, para magtiwala ka ulit at eventually ay magmahal, ay siyang taong makakapanakit din sa’yo ng sobra.

Thank you, ha. You just made me realized that.

Ano pa bang sasabihin ko? 

Ay wait. I still owe you some gratefulness though.

Thank you for always telling me that I am great with the things that I do, for supporting my passion and advocacy. Thank you for singing for me, for creating a song for me, for being there for me when I needed someone to listen to all my rants. Thank you also for sharing some of your stories and life events with me. Thank you for the love and care I once felt coming from you. Well-appreciated ang lahat ng iyon. Hindi ko lang talaga maiparamdam. Sorry.Thank you for making me happy. Sa tuwing magkakausap tayo, magtetelebabad, magpupuyat, sa tuwing kinakantahan mo ako, masaya ako. I feel so loved, special and well-cared.

Iyon nga lang ang lahat ng iyon ay hindi nagtagal.

Na aaminin ko namang may ambag rin akong kasalanan kung bakit nangyari ang lahat ng ito. Sorry ulit for hurting you that maybe I wasn’t aware. Sorry talaga. Sana you let me know.

I wanted to get mad at you because of the emotional damage that you’ve done to me. I was sleepless the night I have found out about it. My heart was trembling. Pakiramdam ko naloko na naman ako, iniwan na naman ako. Ang pinagkaiba nga lang ngayon, walang paalamanan, walang closure. 

I hoped for a false promise of tomorrowwith you. “Gagawa tayo ng forever.” You even once said. Tss. Kalokohan!

 Pero kung tutuusin, anong karapatan kong magalit kasi wala namang tayo di ba? Siguro magagalit nalang ako para sa sarili ko. Kasi umasa ako at naniwala na merong tayo sa future. Na magmamahal ulit ako sa katauhan mo. That I will wait for you until you finally reach your dreams. Na nandito lang ako sa tabi mo, supporting you all the way. And you will just do the same for me.

Pero wala eh. 

At hanggang dito nalang talaga ang lahat.

Maraming, maraming salamat sa lahat.

I wish you well. Please be happy.