Dear Sea

WARNING: Medyo madrama 

Dear Sea, 

Hi! It's me Cielo. It's been a long time since we last saw each other. Every time I see you, I feel so calm. Your deep blue horizon makes me feel so special. How? Hindi ko rin alam. Basta ang alam ko lang, masaya ako at sobra akong na-re-relax. As I lay down on your white sand, everything feels so surreal and I wish that I could live like this forever. Kaso nga lang, wala palang forever.

 I have to go back tomorrow to my real world. Sa isang mundo na punong puno ng stress, worries, doubts and fears. Isama mo na ang responsibilities na kailangan kong gawin sa pang-araw araw na pamumuhay. But then again, I want to seize this moment with you. Minsan lang 'to kaya lulubusin ko na. I don't care if this could cause me sunburn. Tanga ko rin kasi nakalimutan ko magdala ng sunblock. But anyway, I'm still glad to get a chance to be with you today. Thanks also for the fine weather. 

Maybe you would ask kung kumusta ako. The last time kasi na magkapiling tayo, I was so broken, lonely, depress and desperately longing to be happy again. Maybe I was also still hoping to be with him again back then. Hindi ko na maalala. During that time, I was pretending to be happy because I'm with my friends. I don't want them to see me so weak so I pretended to be strong and telling them that I am so much fine. Na kaya ko at kakayanin ko pa! Even though I know deep down myself that I am not, thanks God because I achieved what I want. And that is to move on. 

Habang sakay ng van pabalik sa real world, nakatingin ako sa cellphone ko, scanning my gallery. Sabi ko sa sarili ko while staring on my picture na nasa beach, "Iniwan ko na dito ang puso kong basag. At babalik na ako ngayon ng Manila dala ang isang panibago at buong puso." 

Aaminin ko sa'yo that it wasn't easy. To start a new life, meet new people, do new activities, go to new places, create new memories, establish new life goals, it wasn't so easy. It was so damn hard! Who would have thought that a single event in my life would create a very big twist of turn? It was never easy to pretend that your fine while deep inside you are really dying. There were times that you really miss that damn person who ruined everything about you and yet there's nothing you can do but just to weep and keep in your mind that he's gone- along with your broken heart.

 But that was all in the past and I am genuinely happy right now. Doing the things I love, fulfilling my bucket list and being with people whom I am happy being with. Of course, they are my friends, family, colleagues, co-volunteers, relatives, co-writers, and many more! 

Most especially with God. 

As I am staring at you right now, I am feeling proud of myself. Kasi nakaya ko. Na kaya ko pala. Isang mabigat na pagsubok ang dumaan sa buhay ko that I even had suicidal and desperate thoughts before, pero heto ako ngayon, nananatiling matatag at mas naging malapit sa Diyos. 

I may not have everything but having God and all these wonderful people around me makes me already complete. Bonus na lang siguro ang panibagong lovelife kung nagkataon. 

Speaking of love life... Okay ako sa idea na maraming bagong tao na nakikilala, nagiging kaibigan and then nagiging close. pero ung lalalim pa- that will eventually fall into commitment, mukang hindi pa ko okay sa bagay na yon. Nakakatakot ng sobrang ma-attach sa isang tao. Traumatized lang ang peg. Haha. 

Then there's a part of me na parang gusto ko na ulit ma-in love. Na magmahal towards a partner. Gusto ko na ulit maranasan ang mahalin at magmahal... (Ang gulo ko noh?) 

But there's still a part of me na nagsasabing, "Huwag muna. Lie-low muna tayo sa pagiging attached. You're not yet ready. You're still a coward to face all the pain that love may cause you in the future. Kabubuo lang ng puso mo eh tapos bibigyan mo na naman ng tendency na mabasag ulit. Huwag muna..." (Edi mas lalong gumulo, di ba? Gusto mo na ba akong lunurin, dear sea? Hahaha.) 

I don't even know yet if I can still love absolutely and unconditionally towards a partner. Baka nga hindi na. Ewan ko. I feel so sorry in making him think and feel that way. Na para bang nangangapa siya sa dilim. Na hindi niya alam kung nasan siya sa mundo ko. 

Yes, there's this someone whom I became really close with. 

Sabi ko nga sa kanya, If he wants to stop pursuing me, he then can stop entering my world. Habang maaga pa. Haha. Habang wala pa siya sa mantle. That he can still find another one who is ready and can give back what he can give. Kasi sa ngayon mukhang hindi pa ako yon or baka hindi talaga ako. Sana din huwag na siyang masyadong mag-expect kasi mas masasaktan ko lang siya. He always tell me na mahal niya ako. Salamat. I know the feeling of course kaya nga nakakatakot eh. At nakakaguilty. Feeling ko I'm not worthy of his love. Paano pala kung umaasa lang siya sa wala. Sorry but still thank you kasi sinasabi niya sa akin yung mga naiisip o nararamdaman niya towards me or even towards anything. Thanks also for trusting me. And at least aware ako. Alam mo na medyo dense at slow paminsan minsan. Kelangan straightforward, wala ng ligoy ligoy pa. 

Hashtag cielo the turtle. haha! 

I still want to do many things dear sea. Marami pa akong gustong gawin o puntahan o marating while being single. Pakiramdam ko kasi may mga bagay na hindi ko na magagawa once committed na naman ako. At natatakot pa talaga ako ngayon. 

Of course, I want to step out of my comfort zone sooner. Pero sana hindi dahil sa napipilitan lang ako, or dala lang ng pressure o tukso kundi dahil sa iyon talaga ang gusto ng puso ko. I will get there soon. 

Sana nga. 

Thank you dear sea for listening once again to my story. Magkikita tayo ulit. You know that I love you kasehodang masunog ang balat ko. Mahal kita at ang kalikasan. 



Love, 
Your sexy and beautiful friend,
 Cielo. haha. :)